Today was my due date. The due date from my first pregnancy that failed so spectacularly at about 10 weeks. I’m supposed to be in a hospital bed right now, holding my child, astonished by my Sprog’s perfection and by the glory of the world.
I’m not. I’m sitting at home, only slightly puffy from yet another round of IVF that probably didn’t work. And I’m bitter.
Which is not what this post is about.
This post is about the fact that even though I’m bitter, there are still things in my life worth being appreciative of, and even if I’m having a hard time remembering right now, just exactly what they are, they’re there and maybe my only job today is to remember that I’ll be able to find them again.
W.S. Merwin is one of the best poets in the English language. This poem has always been a favorite of mine. Today, I’m grateful 5 times over for Mr. Merwin’s ability to put into words a concept that I’ve never quite managed on my own.
We are saying thank you and waving, dark though it is.
Thanks
-by W.S. Merwin
Listen
with the night falling we are saying thank you
we are stopping on the bridges to bow from the railings
we are running out of the glass rooms
with our mouths full of food to look at the sky
and say thank you
we are standing by the water thanking it
smiling by the windows looking out
in our directions
back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging
after funerals we are saying thank you
after the news of the dead
whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you
over telephones we are saying thank you
in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators
remembering wars and the police at the door
and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you
in the banks we are saying thank you
in the faces of the officials and the rich
and of all who will never change
we go on saying thank you thank you
with the animals dying around us
our lost feelings we are saying thank you
with the forests falling faster than the minutes
of our lives we are saying thank you
with the words going out like cells of a brain
with the cities growing over us
we are saying thank you faster and faster
with nobody listening we are saying thank you
we are saying thank you and waving
dark though it is
Beautiful… and heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing.
You should be holding a baby today – but instead you hold your angel in your heart forever.
Thinking of you –
It is so difficult to remember. But always good to be able to see the good through the dark.
Here from LFCA and sending you some peaceful thoughts. The poem is beautiful.
xx
I am so sorry. We found out at our 2nd trimester ultrasound that there was a severe problem with the baby and that it was no longer viable. This was our first baby and we were just completely heartbroken and devastated. I just had a D&E at 21 weeks this past Wed. and all I can think about is hollow and empty I feel.
I am sending you a huge hug and all the inner peace I can to you today.