And the tech not only couldn’t get any blood out of the first vein, but she left a gigantic, swollen bruise where she finally did get a bleeder. Damnit.
And despite my (rather calm and rational) explanation that she could leave the results on my cell phone, since I know it’s not good news (they don’t like leaving neg. results on a message machine) she insisted on being all coy and giggly “You never know!”
Um, fuck you. Yes I do. Best case scenario here is that nothing took. Worst case is that something took in the wrong place like last time. Repeated negative HPTs at 17dpo = non-viable anything. Nothing to celebrate here, folks. I’ve done this before, a couple of times, remember?
And I learned that FET is going to be more expensive than I’d thought. Which throws my ideas on what comes next all up in the air. I don’t think the FET will work, but I’m also sort of opposed to not giving those proto-sprogs at least a chance in the womb of death. But is that just sentimental and stupid? I honestly don’t believe that it’ll work, so why am I considering throwing cash and emotional investment at this, when I could be saving cash & sanity toward a donor egg cycle? I am tired of making these sorts of decisions, and really fucking tired of having every decision I make be the wrong one. I just want a family, you know? Something that the vast majority of humanity achieves without much forethought at all. I’m willing to put in the extra foresight, the outrageous expense and inconvenience and pain, but I still don’t get what I want? It’s like being 4 again, and all my brain can hold onto is “It’s not fair.” It’s really really not fair and I’m reeling under my own sense of injustice here.
And I still don’t like any of the options I have left.
I’m tired of showing up to the clinic of hopelessness for bloodwork. And I’m tired of getting up early in order to go to Manhattan. Tired of having this pretend, interim crazy-hectic, yet pointless life that might be all I ever get. The boy is trying so hard to help, but I’m just at my limit, here. I’m pissed that I have to be at work today instead of buried under my pillows or just drinking steadily and heavily. I don’t want to be this sad, worn-out, tired-of-everything, making all the hard decisions to no good effect person anymore.