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Archive for February, 2009

I am eager to get going on this babymaking project again.  I know, big surprise.  What it really is, is that I’m ready to be DONE with this project and move onto a more entertaining phase of my life.  Preferably one involving mommy wars and childrearing arguments and the tantrums of toddlers.  This whole unexplained infertility-even-with-major-medical-intervention is boring and sucky and I’m ready to do something new and more fun.

Er, which y’all could have probably guessed. 

But until such a time as I’m ready to graduate out of this phase and into a more amusing one, I’m stuck here in Infertility City.  And, in an effort to remind myself to breathe and to get out of my hamster-wheel of a brain more often, I’m taking a lesson from Will over at Mo & Will’s excellent Life and Love in the Petri Dish and going to try to start taking more pictures of my world with the intent of staying better connected to my life, to my friends who do not live here, and to my family on the other side of the country.  Also going to challenge myself to try or eat or otherwise experience something new every day, because I enjoy new things in an otherwise routine-filled life, and because it’s one of the few unadulterated pleasures of living in a huge, metropolitan city.  

Also, and I’d love to hear from anyone with experience about this, I’m gearing up to try pre- and post- transfer acupuncture this time around.  Haven’t done it before, and while my doc isn’t 100% convinced it helps, he’s positive it doesn’t hurt, and he recommended it if I had any interest.  Of course, he only mentioned it after I begged for anything I should be doing this cycle, since in his words, “women going through IVF are rather vulnerable to suggestion.  If I told you that we had a new procedure but that it would require chopping off a finger-”  

I already had my hand on his desk, asking him which one he wanted.

Which made his point rather nicely, he thought.

So I’ll give more needles a try, because – hey!  Can’t have too many needles!  

And it’s easier than chopping off a finger, because seriously?  At this point?  I wasn’t entirely kidding.

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1.  I love the last day of February, whether or not it’s a leap year.  Something about tomorrow being March, when it’s only the 28th just tickles me.  Yes, I’m easily amused.  

2.  Although I have to go to work this morning, there are four of us on the schedule, so I shouldn’t have to spend 6 hours on the reference desk like I did last week.  This is a good thing to avoid when possible.  

3.  I saw the first of the crocuses in a neighbor’s “yard” this morning.  Purple.  Beautiful!

4.  As much as I love cooking, I really love not having to deal with making food when I get home from work.  Having a house-husband rocks, and I am so damned lucky that he’s as accommodating as he is.  

5.  Although our scheduled (and contracted) cost-of-living raise did not show up in yesterday’s paycheck, neither did a pink slip.  Counting blessings here.

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A tough one today, since yesterday was one of the worst days I can remember in a long time.  Hmmm.  Coffee? Nah, done that.  Blue jay in the backyard?  Done that, too.  How about the fact that it’s warm outside?  I’ll use that one, I think, since by this time of year, that fact never gets old.  

1.  Yes, folks, it’s warm enough outside that the dog didn’t even need her whippet-wear, making the dog-walk much less of an early morning wrestling match.

2.  I’ve lost three pounds since I started trying a few days ago.  This is encouraging, and reinforces my belief that I just needed to motivate myself with something other than vanity.  I’ve always been stocky – big boned in the true sense of the word – my wrists are thicker than my husband’s, who’s a foot taller than I am.  But since May, I’ve put on about 10 pounds, and it occurred to me during our consultation that my meds might be reacting with the extra fat I’m carrying and affecting my estrogen levels.  So, I’m losing weight, not to be cuter in blue jeans, but to improve my chances of carrying a pregnancy to term.  Much easier to care about, actually, and it seems to be working.

3.  It’s payday.  Thinking I should enjoy it while I can.

4.  Of course, I’m planning on winning the lottery tonight.  I’ll let you all know how that works out for me.

5.  Key Lime yogurt from Trader Joes.  Not crazy about their yogurt, but the houseguests left us pretty stocked up, and I feel compelled to eat leftovers where I can.  Key Lime yogurt is nasty if you’re expecting it to taste like, um, pie.  Because it doesn’t.  If, however, you’re comparing it to, say, lime jello, then it’s pretty damned good.  Much better than expected, in fact.  Mmmmm, key lime yogurt…

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14 days to Lupron-craziness.  Since I am, apparently, incapable of functioning without a countdown of some sort taking over my life…

Ahem.  Really crappy day at work yesterday, in which we learned that management has been spying on our internet use and in which they also announced the creation of new part-time librarian positions.  Positions without benefits.  Positions that they’re encouraging us to quit our jobs – which provide benefits – for, and take.  Presumably so that they can get the same amount of work for less money.  ie: do this or we’re laying your ass off anyway…

We’re all aware that layoffs are just around the corner, just not sure how draconian they’ll be.  Argh.  In a way, it wouldn’t be the worst thing to be laid off.  My income is nice, but not necessary – not the way it is for some of my friends’ families.  I’m probably more easily re-employable than many people; I’ve done just about every kind of job in my life, I have a lot of experience and I play well with others.  The insurance thing bugs me, though, and makes me even more eager to finish off this FET ASAP so that I can be done with whatever it is that my insurance will cover.  That way if I lose it, it won’t feel like I’m losing everything.

It wouldn’t be a bad thing to find a local part-time sales job for a while.  SImply not having the commute would effectively add almost 3 hours to my real life.  Wouldn’t be the end of the world to start a serious job-hunt effort, either.  Though it’s not how I envisioned spending my springtime.  Oh well.  I doubt anyone really figures on living through economic times like these.  It would really be a perfect time to be out on maternity leave, actually.  Hear that, deity?  I’m totally willing to give up my job to someone who needs it more than I do.  How about sending me one of those baby-creatures you seem to ship off to anyone who asks (except for me, of course.)  Even trade, one baby for one job.

I think I’m being more than fair, here.

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Seems like just yesterday it was 19 days away…

Um, yeah.  So I can’t count.  Sue me.  

Maybe I should be concentrating on finding a donor with proven math ability…

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1.  I had the house to myself last night.  I ate cold, leftover gyoza, watched Star Trek Voyager, and worked on my cross stitch until my fingers hurt.  It was quiet.  It was peaceful.  It was bliss.

2.  My new work shoes came in the mail.  These would be the shoes to replace the shoes that my dog ate the first day I had them.  I have already sprayed bitter-apple on them to try to deter the chewing-issue.  They’re not exciting, just plain old black mary-janes, but it’s a shoe that fits me, and I was able to find a good deal on them and it’s been almost 24 hours and the dog hasn’t destroyed them yet.  All good things.

3.  My dog is teaching me a new game.  It consists of me pretending to chase her back and forth along the longest expanse of open floor space in the house.  Whereupon she leaps almost 8 feet onto the bed, skids to a halt, spins around right before she would otherwise crash into the headboard, and then we do it again, with the far bathroom wall as the other end of the runway – about 35 feet, headboard to bathroom wall.  I swear the dog is laughing almost as hysterically as I am.  I’ve never had a playful dog before.  My previous dog was an almost preternaturally serious dog, who was quite sure that bad things were going to happen to me if she wasn’t extremely alert to bad people and bad situations.  It left very little attention free for playing (unless there were chickens involved.  She always had attention to spare for chickens, but that’s another story.)  Nellie, however, loves to play.  She will play by herself if she must, but she would much rather play with a friend.  I’m lucky enough that that friend is me.  Going to go romp with my dog now.  (pant!pant!pant!)

4.  Don’t have to go in to work until 12:30 today.  I slept in.  I never set my alarm.  I sipped – instead of gulped – my coffee.  At least until 6pm – when I’ll be cranky that I’m stuck at work for another two hours – life is good.

5.  One of our teenaged house-guests left a message on our machine apologizing to the toilet and promising to get professional help for his abusive ways.  Anguished tones, a hitch in his voice where the sobs were catching – all in all, a truly  heartrending apology.  I was on the floor, laughing til it hurt, before he was halfway done.  (To make a long, somewhat disgusting story short, the toilet on the floor they were on clogged up right after they left, and we had to get the plumber in.  The boy thought it would be the pinnacle of boy-humor to call up his friend and tell him that his family “left a lot of shit at our house.”  Much hilarity ensued, as both the men thought this was the funniest thing they’d ever heard/said, and apparently the friend’s boys agreed.  I actually think the friend’s boy’s message is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard, which probably means I’ve been infected with boy-humor too, and puns will begin to extrude from the bowels of my brain at any moment.)  Ah, shit.

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19 more days

Not much happening today, though I hope it’s a bit easier on my poor bod than yesterday. As predicted, this has been one hell of a period.  Oi.

Right now, I’m just trying to get through everything til the middle of March.  I’ll be on a long Lupron suppression for the first time, with pretty massive estrogen doses, so I’m anticipating a more side-effect plagued cycle than previous ones, despite the lack of a stimming phase.  

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hopeful, but I’d also be lying if I said I was at all optimistic about my chances for this one being the time it works.  

Does that make any sense at all?  

So basically, I am looking for distractions for the next 19 days.  I imagine I will be seeking kitchen zen fairly often.  I’m thinking that exercise might be in order.  Coffee is already on the menu again, as is the occasional glass o’ wine.  None of these, unfortunately, is good for more than a few minutes on the ‘distract Sprogblogger’ front.

Oh yeah, and I’m sure I’ll make time for some obsessing.  I checked out a bunch of books on adoption and DE and have been plowing through them.  Checking out websites is the next big step, and requesting info. packets.  Back-up plans make me feel secure, even though they’re scary.  The longer I have to adjust to them, the better I’ll feel, I’m thinking.  So I trying to adjust to the new, broken-down image of me as an IVF failure, as well as a natural-baby-makin’ failure.  

Stupid body won’t do what it’s told.  

19 more days (I think – too lazy to go grab a calendar).  19 more days.

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