A bit, since I can’t seem to turn my brain off, and since my particular form of Lup-iness seems to take the form of resentfulness – if you’ve pissed me off any time in the last 20 years, be assured that I’m thinking of it right now – but really, for the most part, I’ve felt ok on this.
Which must mean it isn’t working.
Now I’m back to that weird place of waiting for a period, of eagerly looking forward to a period. Which just feels fucking wrong, you know? Blood = no baby, except when you’re doing this artificial crap, when it means that you get to prorgress to artificial step two.
In an attempt to distract myself from the limbo-Lupron-land where I now reside, I’ve been thinking of – what else? – baby shit. Well, maybe not actual baby shit, except as it relates to “how to deal with a baby who’s just spread shit on the walls out of spite” or “how to assure that baby-shit is contained in non-toxic, cloth diapers”. More specifically, I’ve been ruminating over How I’m Going to Raise this Child to be a Paragon of Health, Virtue and Pleasantness.
Did that sound pretentious? I hope it did. I also hope you picked up on the singular pronoun there. Not “How we are”, but “How I am”‘. The thing is, I really suspect that the boy and I are going to have some knock-down, drag-out fights about child-rearing. I know what you’re thinking. “Sprogblogger,” (you’re thinking), “Why haven’t y’all used all this no-baby-yet time to iron out all your differences on the idea of how to best bring up Sprog?
a) Because that would totally jinx the process. Geez. Everyone knows if you buy baby furniture or discuss parenting techniques before Sprog is actually in your arms, you go to the end of the baby-making-line and have to start over again. Duh.
But also, if I’m really honest, it’s because b) I’m not really up for that fight just yet.
See, the thing is, the boy has co-raised three girls. And none of them are ax-murderesses, or completely anti-social (though the youngest one comes close, sometimes.) But, the fact is, I have my own very distinct ideas on how to raise a child. A respectful, resourceful, independent child. Values that perhaps his ex-wife wasn’t as keen on as I am. Values that I absolutely insist on passing on to a child of mine. Then there’s the whole breastfeeding thing – ex-wife was anorexic and, not surprisingly, therefore unable to produce enough milk to feed any of her kids. I am – ahem – nowhere close to anorexic and anticipate ample lactation as my mother & grandmother did before me — hell, I was leaking milk during my miscarriage at 11 weeks. All good, but breastfeeding will mean nighttime feedings. So his ideas about ‘let the baby cry it out’ aren’t going to fly. Not to mention the fact that many of his childrearing techniques are 18 – 25 years out of date. It’s like anticipating how-to-raise-a-kid fights with your mother-in-law, except with the man you share your bed with. Oi. So I anticipate many fights. And I’m not looking forward to that “who really knows better” thing coming up, either.
Because, infertile hag though I am, I will be mammi, who always knows best.
Talk about putting the cart before the horse… Let’s just concentrate on getting the baby home, and then I’ll stress over whether or not attachment parenting (and cloth-diapering – is right for us.
Though it is fun to have something new to angst over, for a change.
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