Negative. I think I’m resigned. Not happy. Not even ok with it. But that’s how it is. This cycle didn’t work, and there’s not going to be a last minute save, a 9th inning miracle. Major stomach upset last night, which usually indicates that I’m about to start bleeding. The nice part of which is that the bloat I’ve been dealing with since October is pretty much gone. I’m looking downright svelte this morning.
Have I mentioned that IVF sucks? Infertility sucks. This morning, it feels very seriously like almost every aspect of my life sucks. Having given up a hell of a lot on the gamble of changing my entire life in order to be in a place where I could raise a child, to be thwarted like this in the actual conceiving of a child seems like the worst kind of irony. Like maybe I should have just stayed in Utah, working at the dead-end job, with the man who didn’t particularly care about any of my goals in life. I wasn’t thrilled with my life, but at least I had enough free time that I was able to get some writing done. At least I had my goat-farm and my chickens and my orchard. At least I wasn’t spending three hours commuting to a job that bored me to tears every day. True, I had no baby, and no chance for having a baby, but – hey! – here I am in a job I hate, in a city I detest with no baby, and no time to write. I’m not seeing much difference, to be honest.
I adore my husband, but the things I loved that I gave up for the chance of a family are gone, and the thing I want more than I ever wanted anything is looking less and less likely to ever happen. And I have nothing to show for the trade.
Bitter as coffee this morning, only not so pleasant to be around. That’s me.
(Speaking of, I plan to indulge this morning because I am a cynical, hopeless bitch who could use a little caffeination. And it’s not like it can make my innards any more inhospitable to developing life-forms.)
I’ll also be keeping my Wednesday Beta appointment instead of being frugal with my sick days, because, you know what? Getting to stop Lovonox and PIO one day early is worth it, as is being able to move up the “why this didn’t work this time” consultation with my doctor.
I need to figure out something new to do with my life. My dreams of being a stay at home mother are pretty much shot. And being an urban librarian – dealing with other people’s kids – sort of sucks, too. I’m good at it, and there are things I like about it, but right now, it’s a burden just having to show up and “mother” everyone else’s kids – kids who through no fault of their own don’t get anywhere near the attention they need at home.
Going to go gulp coffee now. And ride the subway. And then maybe I can break up a fight at the library and call the cops, if it’s a typical after-holiday Monday.
I miss my goats.