Thank you. This time, it’s for your words of support when I told you how conflicted I feel gushing on & on about how happy I am, etc. etc. I guess I really did want permission to feel good about this. That’s a sad state of affairs, but thank you for granting it to me anyway!
Let’s see, pregnancy symptoms! Not really much of anything. A little tender, a little teeny tiny if-I-squint-my-eyes bit darker, but nothing like last time. Face is clearing up, which I’m taking as a good hormonal sign. A bit queasy yesterday, but that may very well have been from the fried cassava & plantains at lunch.
And then there’s the cramping. I know it’s a good sign. I know it means that things are just adjusting themselves to little proto-sprog, but it scares me, each time I use the toilet, that I’m going to see blood. Don’t imagine that fear will go away, even though that’s not how my miscarriage played out. In my mind, cramps = blood, and blood = bad thing.
I do have to say, though, that it’s driving me absolutely batshit having no concrete idea how old this pregnancy is. I want to be able to list weeks & dates, damn it. I don’t even know what week we’re on, ferchrissake. Week 5? Week 6? We’re talking about the difference between a sesame seed and a lentil, damn it. It makes a difference!!!
So I’m hoping that at next week’s appointment we’ll be able to see the yolk sac, etc. in my uterus where it belongs, but also that we’ll be able to date this pregnancy a bit more accurately. Because truly, this is making me crazy not knowing how far along things are. If I extrapolate backwards, I think I’m looking at the beginning of my adjusted 5th week. Or so. But I want it exact, damn it.
Must skedaddle on to work. God, I miss my coffee. I took myself off even the ghost of caffeine that is in decaf, and I miss the taste as much as I miss the energy hit. Doesn’t help that my dreams have been crazy intense, and so I feel like I’ve already done plenty today, thanks anyway.
The teenagers in my charge disagree, though. On to video games! (And they pay me for this?)
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