I’m going to stop posting or checking in here pretty soon – new site address is:
Please come and say hello!
Yeah, you thought this post was going to have something to do with quest for sprog, right? Hah. Baby-quest is no fun and leads only to disappointment, whereas website is the source of all good things and many laughs, and my blog never ever sticks needles in me. No, this post has to do with my quest for complete autonomy! I’m tired of WordPress.com telling me what I can and cannot do on my own blog! Sick and tired of restrictions on what I put up and how I choose to categorize it!
Which all boils down to the fact that I finally bought a domain name & am in the process of setting up a personal, non-hosted-by-a-blogging site website. It’s still sprogblogger, and therefore, it’ll still be mostly blog, but I also wanted to be able to post video & music clips (if I can ever get off my ass and just do it.) I also wanted to have a bit more creative space than this platform affords me, so I’ll be making the switch officially in a few days once the site looks less like a work-in-progress and more like a working blog.
As far as babymakin’ goes, there aint nothin’ goin’ on here. Taking my shot faithfully, but still no sign of a damned period. Which means my week off will not be so much of a help, stress-wise as I’d hoped. Things are not working out as planned? Why, no, actually. Not even on the tiniest details.
Nothing new there.
For those of you who care about such things, the WP gurus fixed my header by reformatting it into a .png file. Unfortunately, in doing so, they faded the color out to the point where you can’t see the top half of my giant representation of a human egg.
Much fiddling is now in order, but will have to wait til the weekend, when I shall also be able to do a bit of fussing, and perhaps, fidgeting with it.
But for now, injection and ice cream and Star Trek! See? I have my priorities straight.
Took my first Bravelle injection this morning, after rushing home from the clinic to do so. “You wanna start today or tomorrow?” the nurse asked.
“todaytodaytodaytodaygoodbye” was my answer.
So I did.
As remembered, having to use 6 Bravelles per injection stings more than 4, but no Lupron & no second Bravelle in the pm shot is much less sting per day, so this is already a more comfortable cycle.
Not that I give a shit at this point. If they wanted me to use razor blades to administer the stuff – rusted razor blades dipped in salt like the rim of a margarita glass – I would. Happily. Pain = progress in my sick&twisted mind.
Housekeeping note: I’ve got the wordpress folks trying to figure out what’s up with my header. I can see it on some computers but not others, so I think it’s a wordpress issue & nothing more. Will let you know what they say, & BTW is their support ever quick! I posted a question re: this on a forum & they were emailing me within a few hours. Not bad for a site that serves a few hundred thousand active bloggers!
No header to be seen from my work computer, either. Not that I’d ever blog from work or anything…
Sorry, I’ll deal with it tonight, & try to figure out where the image got lost.
At the moment, though? Too busy smiling like a fool and wiping tears away. Folks, we have a new president. And it feels good.
I’m bored. Tired of the great big thankless (so far, at least) waiting game that is IVF. Hell, the stupid waiting game that is IF in general. This sucks and I’m tired of playing. Ok? Thanks. Yeah, you win, Fates. As fucking always.
Despite my RE’s predictions, I don’t seem to be gearing up for a period any sooner than I would normally. You could set a (very slow) watch by my cycle. Which is a bummer. I’d rather like to get going sooner rather than later. Don’t know if you noticed, but I’m feeling a bit impatient here.
Part of which is because my first due date is coming up and I’m already getting panicky feelings in my gut. A couple of women who were super-supportive of me during my (brief) pregnancy and afterwards, as they awaited their first IVF experience, are now getting ready to go in for caesarians or inductions. (Twins) I’m supposed to go in to work on the 12th, and I probably will, because the alternative is sitting at home and wailing – ugh. But I’m really ready for that date to be over and done with. Preferably with me sitting smug with a hand on my belly feeling totally assured that this time, the medical magic worked.
I’m also feeling a bit anxious since this is the last cycle I could get pregnant on, in which I would likely deliver before my 40th birthday. I know, I know, it’s just a number. But it’s a big scary-ass number and I hate it. Not for any other reason, I’m not someone who dyes her gray hairs or cringes over every line in her face. But to me, turning 40 really does mean that this whole infertility thing? It’s real. There’s a reason I can’t have a baby – it’s because I’m too damned old, and who do I think I am fucking with the way things are? – the way things are for a very good reason! Remember the miscarriage? Because I have crappy old-lady eggs! Remember the ectopic? Thank deity that one miscarried too, because otherwise it’d’ve been a lot worse.
You know what else I’m tired of? I’m tired of feeling old and used up at 39.
I have as much energy as I ever did. I think I’ll be a much better mom than I would have been 20 years ago. I’m not worried about being old when my kid is middle-aged, or whatever is in vogue for us older moms to stress over. But I’m tired of being a failure at this reproductive effort, despite my best efforts. Tired of being old. And of course, if this IVF fails, we’re moving to donor eggs. Get some nice young eggs out there while mine warm the bench.
I wish I didn’t have bench-warmer eggs.
On a more prosaic note, I’ve heard that some folks can’t see the new header. If this is happening to you, you might try refreshing your screen. I think headers generally get stored in cookie-type spaces (mmmmm, cookie-spaces! I’d like mine to be chocolate chip cookie-space flavored, please!) , so if you have a computer making very efficient use of its space/time, it might not reload the header each time the blog updates unless you force the issue. I think it’ll eventually show up regardless, and it’s not that exciting, so you’re not missing much in the meantime!
the origami/header project, though I have to say that I MISS my Adobe Photoshop & may just have to spring for a new version.
Origamically speaking though: Design on the new header is a “buckyball” made from 270 Sonobe modules. 12 Pentagrams, each surrounded by 2 rows of hexagrams to form an almost spherical whole. Plus some little origami tadpoles I had lying around that got tapped to play the part of boy bits. Have I mentioned that I have a slight problem with compulsive & useless behavior?
Will it surprise anyone that the “new header” concept was merely an excuse to fold paper for way too many hours instead of thinking about/worrying about things I can’t do a damned thing about?