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Veins & hunger.

Veins have totally taken over the girls.  No wonder they got tender yesterday.  Like being bra-ed by an octopus.  Or a squid, perhaps.

In other monster-news, the hunger is starting to take over my life.  I’m trying really hard not to gain weight til it’s, er, going to something other than me, since I gained over ten pounds this year with the IVFs.  So I’m trying not to give in to the urge to eat everything in sight just because – hey! I’m pregnant!  

The Hunger may, however, need a new name.  Something scarier like “ravening, out of control monster of doom that must be placated lest lives be lost”.  

Oh, and I finally did it.  I wasn’t going to.  I went to the green market, and it was green, and I bought a gardenia and a little spiky cactus/succulent thing with flowers and some maple candy and then I saw it across the busy street.

Babies R Us.

I’ve never been inside one, so help me.  It’s terrifying, it’s huge, and everyone in there is sprogged up, or with someone who is.  

It was incredibly seductive.  

I have a feeling I’d better buy a bunch of baby stuff to have on hand to assuage these feelings of rampant consumerism so that I won’t have to use the husband’s money, post-sprog, to buy them.  I feel a deep desire for a baby-wipe warmer coming to take over my rational mind.  Must.  Warm.  Baby-Wipes.  And the strollers – dear lord, the tricked-out strollers…

Ahem.  

I bought nothing, but if all goes well, I’ll be back in several months with a credit card in hand to bedevil my poor long-suffering husband.  Whaddya mean no child of yours needs 35 different “adorable outfits”?!?

I may have found my new hobby…

1.  Warm windy wonderful spring!  There were thunderstorms yesterday, and they’re forecast again for today.  Yay for spring!

2.  Both magnolia trees are abloom now.  I’ll try to get a picture later to post, because, really, this is too good to keep all to myself.

3.  Tea and toast for breakfast.  

4.  The prospect of going up to Connecticut to watch the dog run through acres & acres of meadow for hours on end.  She’d be tired just thinking about it, but I’m getting excited!  

5.  The sicky-sweet frosted bunny cookie my husband brought me last night.  It wasn’t very good, and yet it was delicious.  I liked eating its eye (gob of bright blue frosting.)

Happy to report…

that it looks like we still don’t have consensus for how a pregnancy week works.  Which is rather reassuring – at least I’m not the only one.

However, the majority seemed to think that zero-days begins a pregnancy week, putting me today, theoretically, at…. 5w3d!  So that’s what we’re going with (also because I like the sound of it more than 5w2d, to be honest.)

I know you were all holding your breath on that one.  Thank you for responding.  Damn math…

In other news, my upper-level girl-goods are finally starting to feel like the bosoms of a sprogged-up lady.  Definite soreness (and not just from me jabbing them unobtrusively when no one’s looking.)  I’m feeling a bit more hopeful that everything’s proceeding apace in there.  (Though what I’d really like is to toss my cookies, or at least come close!  Maybe I’ll go to Fairway today and lurk in the butcher’s section…)

It’s my first of nine days off, and I’m practically dancing in little circles, trying to contain my happiness.  Going to cultivate me some serious kitchen zen.  Maybe in the form of pie.  Going to go to the farmer’s market – maybe the one in Manhattan that has everything from flour to wine.  Going to get some writing done, and going to get my new website up & running (finally)!  Going to walk the dog a lot, (starting soon, because she keeps putting her head in my lap) and going to baby the boy as much as he’ll let me.  Going to not go to work.  Yipppeeee!

Help!

Assuming (oh how everyone laughs!) that I really am in my 5th week of pregnancy.  And assuming that I actually did ovulate/get sprogged-up on March 11.  And assuming that I’m not a complete idiot, (though this question surely gives the lie to that…)

Am I at 5w3d or 5w2d?

In other words: is the first day of a new pregnancy week 5w0d or 5w1d?

I feel like such an idiot for even having to ask this, but my googling is not giving me a conclusive answer, and since this is a question that I can probably get a hard & fast answer to, despite my inability to get any answers about anything of real import going on internally right now, I really really really want to know…

Any takers?

driving me batshit.  

I hate uncertainty (which is why it’s a miracle that I ever survived this far in the IVF process.)  I hate ambiguity (ditto above comment regarding miraculous survival.)  Not knowing how far along I am, not knowing what’s happening in there (please god, there’s lots happening!) is making me nuts.  

I hate this open-ended waiting.

Shouldn’t I be feeling something by now?  Seriously, I’ve got no breast changes, no nausea, no super-sniffer-sense, no extra pee-trips in the night, no nothin’.

I’m scared to death.  I mean, by my only measure of this sort of thing, a miscarriage doesn’t necessarily announce itself with blood and pain right away.  Everything just sort of stops & you don’t even know about it for weeks.  And it’s not for weeks after that before the blood & pain starts up.  

I know there’s nothing I can do – or rather, that I’m doing everything I can do.  No caffeine, no raw stuff, no rare stuff, no sit-ups, no pistachios (at least until the current salmonella scare is over.)  I know I should just buck up and deal with the uncertainty and fear.  I know everyone goes through this to one extent or another.  I know I’m not special.  I know that according to many websites, pg symptoms often don’t even start until week 6 or 7 (and by my best estimates, I’m in the middle of adjusted week 5).  I know all these things, and yet I’m still completely out-of-my-mind terrified.

Not sure I’m going to make it til Wednesday.  Maybe I’ll go in on Monday and beg for an hCG test, thereby confirming my status as craziest IF-lady ever.  (“You want we should take unnecessary blood from you???”)

Oi.

Basically, I need a new hobby to get me through the next 5 days.  Something not baby/pregnancy related.  I need to develop an overwhelming urge to collect china or samovars or something.  (actually, that said, maybe I’ll go to one of the big antique flea markets this weekend and look for, er, china.)  Oh god, this sucks.

A friend told me that, yeah, this is what “normal” people go through when they learn they’re pregnant, and that, in essence, I’ve been spoiled by being able to calculate a precise due date without any hemming & hawing in the past.  Which is totally true and I have much more sympathy now than ever before for this “i dunno when I’m due” state of being.  But I also think I’m a little more fragile than most newly pregnant ladies.  This year’s pregnancy related events have taken just about all of my giddy optimism from me, current miraculous sprogged-uppedness notwithstanding.  Seriously, what I want more than anything right now?  I want ugly, retching, ohmyfuckinggod morning sickness as a sign that this pregnancy is progressing, and I want it bad.  I want it NOW!  Come on, nausea —  I’m ready for you.  Do your worst & try to make me yech!  Come to Mama!

1. My dog, apparently, enjoyed yesterday’s sunshine out on the deck all by herself.  I was not at home to witness this, but the boy emailed me with the momentous news.  This is significant because it has taken her almost 7 months of living with us to be comfortable enough to want to be in a place where we are not.  It means she is finally starting to  trust that we will still be there, even if she cannot see us at the moment.  It means she is happy.  Which makes me happy.

2.  No bleeding, no major cramping, no nothing unpleasant or frightening.  It doesn’t really matter.  I’m still terrified.  But at least I’m not terrified and in pain.  I’ll take my gains where I can get them…

3.  Today is my last day of work for a week.  I am beside myself with happiness regarding this time off.  Whatever’s going on inside me, it’s nice to not be at work next week.

4.  The little star magnolia is in full flower in the back yard.  Makes this dreary wet weather almost worth it, since the pale pink flowers really show up beautifully against the dreariness.  

5.  The boy picked me up from work last night just so I’d think he’s sweet & wonderful & all things good.  It worked.

1.  Whipped honey.  Creamy and smooth, and somehow sweeter than regular old honey.  Oh my.

2.  Oil slicks outside.  It rained last night, and all the oil drippings on the streets are making rainbows.

3.  Having a dog – a lazy dog – to lie abed with while waiting for my medicine to dissolve, makes an annoying part of the morning less annoying.  

4.  Wearing a bright orange/red sweater today to counteract the grey, dismal day outside.  It does, actually, make me feel warmer…

5.  I’m reading a Charlotte Bronte book I’d never before read – Villette.  It’s quite good and makes me dread my subway ride much less.