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Archive for the ‘General Infertility Rants’ Category

Well, I’ve had my first official freak-out.  Less than 12 hours since I found out.  I woke up in the middle of the night feeling a little, um, damp.  Damp and sticky.  Obviously a miscarriage.  So I ran to the bathroom, swallowing sobs.  

Oh yeah.  Pessaries.  Ahem.  Going back to sleep now…

It’s official – I’m a dope.

And I’ve decided to be stupidly happy and giddy for this weekend.  How’s that for dopiness?  I’ll face reality if it’s necessary on Monday, but the next two days?  They’re mine to be a happy, newly pregnant woman.  I’m pretending I’m normal, see?  I’ll let you know how that works out…

I peed on a stick this morning.  You knew I would.  Just doesn’t feel real until I see the little blinky hourglass, somehow.  Sure enough.  

pregnant1

 

 

 

 

 

Clear Blue agrees, so it must be true.  (sorry for the crap photo.  My camera is out of batteries & I wanted to be SURE I got a shot of the magic word.  Yay for Apple’s photo booth!)

I’m looking forward to tomorrow – the boy’s birthday celebration is tomorrow, and we’re having a traditional turkey dinner with all the fixings.  Which will be fun in a kitchen zen sort of way, and lots of fun in an eat-a-lot sort of way.  I’ll be turning down wine, which will raise eyebrows, but won’t – obviously – be saying anything.  Hell, this time I won’t be saying anything til it’s obvious that I’m not just getting too chubby for my own good.  Shoot, maybe I won’t say anything until I actually go into labor… Hmmm.  Might be wise.

But I will call my own mom today.  She’s been grieving with me, so she deserves a weekend of happy as much as I do.  

Off to read what other people have been up to – and on that note – thank you, you’all for your congratulations.  It means an awful lot to me.  I promise to keep you posted…

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and rather at a loss as to what happened.  “But I don’t understand, doctor, we made love with our shoes on.”  

Um, seriously. Leaving aside the “how” question, when the hell did it happen?  I had a zero hCG reading two weeks ago, so, what?  I ovulated late – around the 11th-12th instead of around the 5th-6th?  And then it implanted late, as well?

I’m trying so hard not to get too excited about this.  Except it’s a goddamned miracle because we weren’t supposed to be able to do this unassisted.  

Ahem.

I voiced my theory to my friend at work that perhaps it was a miraculous conception & Zeus, you know, possessed my husband and I was actually carrying the reincarnation of Alexander the Great.  Or maybe the Messiah.  She said that no, she knew me better than that and if anything, we’re talking Whore of Babylon and AntiChrist territory here.  I told her to get me a pale horse for my baby shower and shut up already.  

Ahem.  Giddiness has definitely ensued.  Sorry.  I’ll try to keep it somewhat in check because honestly, I’m trying not to get too far over the moon.  It’s still so fucking early.  242 is not a stellar number, even if sproto-Sprog only implanted last week.  And I have a history of miscarriage.  (And ectopics!  Don’t forget that possibility!)

But, damn.  The moon’s a long way away from where I am tonight, anyway.  Monday, I’ll get worried again.  And worried’s where I’m sure I’ll stay for the next forever-long anyway.  But for tonight?  For Saturday & Sunday?  I’m going to try to enjoy it.  To really and truly enjoy it.  I think I’ll go POAS just for the goddamn hell of it.

Oh my.

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hCG 242.

Doc says the micro-lupron is not a deal-breaker, though to STOP taking it immediately.  He put me on PIO & prometrium even though this one is a natural.

Read: this one is completely freaky.

Just like everything else regarding my reproductive system.

Holy shit.

I’m pregnant.  From sex.  Just like happens with normal people.

No wonder I’ve been such a bitch lately.

holy shit.

Monday bloodwork to see if this has a chance of being normal.

holy shit.

Going to go run a chess club now.  No, really.

holy shit.

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Ah, hell.

So, I had my appointment.  My doctor told me to be patient.  Then he ran an ultrasound and made his non-committal “hmmm” sound.  Turns out that there’s lots of ‘stuff’ in my uterus, like 14mm worth, but it doesn’t ‘really jump out at him like period-ready endometrium’.

Whatever the hell that means.

So we’re running more hormone tests to see what’s up, and they’re also ordering another hCG test because, you know? if there’s a way to fuck up a pregnancy, I’m unhappy to say that I’ll find it.  Never thought I’d say this, but I really hope I’m not pregnant.  It had never really occurred to me once they tested two weeks ago.  But what if I ovulated late?  Lupron for 14 days of an early pregnancy?  Sprog would have three heads or something.

And I begged to be released from the evil DHEA.  Actually, I like some aspects of DHEA just fine.  Mood boosts have come in mighty handy.  But the hair loss & acne sucks, and I seriously don’t think it helped me at all with egg quality.  Or lining quality.  Since I won’t be fresh-cycling again, I can stop that hormone, at least.  Which is a relief, even if it’s going to be hard having girl-moods instead of boy-mood for a change.

So now I wait for the phone call.  And for the eventual torrential bleeding to start.  And for my hair to grow back.  And for my skin to clear up.  And for everything to just even the hell out.

Grrrr.  I’m totally feeling the Lupron.  Made my doctor laugh when I told him that “Lupron hates everything.  Lupron hates your shirt and the color of the walls and the state of the universe.” in response to his innocuous “how ya feeling?”

Teach him to be cheerful when I’ve been on Lupron for two weeks with no end in sight…

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Sad but true.  Not intended that way, but I think I’ve just seen the perfect metaphor for ART.  Pure genius.  If my new website were up & running, I’d be able to post this directly, but instead, here’s a link to a youtube vid. that made me smile on a morning I’d thought smiling was for lesser mortals.

Seriously funny video, folks.  If you hate Cadbury eggs.

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So, um, yeah.

According to Dr. Google, a late period is a very common side effect of long Lupron treatment.  Like 2 or 3 weeks late.  Um, thanks, Clinic, for letting me know that.  Especially after I asked specifically if I should expect a normal or an abnormal period this month.  Sure do appreciate the heads up!

My scheduled days off are now officially a complete cock up.  Won’t do me any good, (other than the fact that days off are always good).  And at least I’ll be nice and more stress-free than is my usual wont.  But I’ll still have to take sick days off the next week for the actual transfer, and I won’t be able to lounge about in a non-adrenalin-rush producing environment during the estimated time of implantation, which was the whole fucking point of taking time off.  

Goddamnit.

Really glad now that I made sure they were checking hCG levels at my scan two weeks ago.  Otherwise I’d be terrified that I’d been poisoning a protosprog with Lupron all this time.  

Ok, you caught me.  I’m still sort of terrified about that, even though I don’t feel even a little teeny tiny bit pregnant.  Of course I don’t feel particularly premenstrual, for that matter.

I’m off to buy the boy a gift for his birthday.  Steak knives.  Sharp ones.  Probably not the best thing to be schlepping around Manhattan in my current state of mind, but there it is.

Goddamnit.

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zilch.

I got nothin’.  

My father, who’s being treated for prostate cancer, has just taken his massive dose of estrogen.  It essentially puts him into a menopause-like state for about six months where his body’s testosterone is overwhelmed (thereby starving the cancer cells).  Pretty nifty treatment, except that the main side effect is that he gets to deal with estrogen-related mood swings, lethargy, etc.  (note to male readers, get your PSA checked regularly.  I don’t care what that latest study posted in the NYT said, my dad’s massively aggressive cancer was detected during a routine PSA test, and he would have been dead these nine years since if not for that test.  *stepping off soapbox now*.)

Anyway, what I was getting at is that when I spoke with him last, he sounded ok, but glum – he hates these hormone treatments.  He said, “It could be worse, I suppose.  At least I don’t bleed.”

Well, yeah.  Me neither.  I’ve got the mood swings and the desire to sit in a dark corner spooning Ben & Jerry’s into my face.  But no bleeding.  

Damnit.

This cycle is already looking like a 32 days cycle.  Anyone want to take bets on a 33 day?  Maybe a 34 day?  Maybe we should just cancel this cycle and start me on BCP now to try to jump start my poor innards.  

Going to go sulk now, like a 15-year-old girl who wants to ‘be a woman just like her friends’, while trying to avoid the B&J freezer today.

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