I fought this self-imposed discipline today. I’m still fighting it. I’m not feeling grateful or happy or even accepting right now. About anything, goddamnit. But that’s the point of this exercise – to find the small things that lend you grace – no matter how small they might be. So I showed up and I’ll try. Sometimes, that’s all you can do.
1. While searching the front of the house to see if a gift shipment had been delivered, I found a dollar. No flatware, but 100 days of good luck, if you subscribe to the penny theory. A cuppa coffee on Saturday morning, if, like me, you’re feeling that you’d need to find about $28,000 (the cost of a donor egg cycle) on the street to feel like you had a lucky few months ahead of you.
2. Chocolate croissant. Need I say more?
3. Thank god I don’t have to work today. I’d’ve had to call in sick if it wasn’t already a holiday.
4. Learned that one of the hot new fantasy titles was first-drafted entirely on the author’s cell phone while taking the subway to work every day. Ordered a netbook on Dell’s sale today. See if I can’t follow someone’s good writing example of using the time you have, wisely. If not, at least I have a new, cheap computer toy coming in the mail…
5. Blogging. It helps me to write things out. To write down how frustrated and terrified and rageful I am about the IF that rules my life, but it also helps knowing that someone besides me is reading what I have written. It helps knowing there are other people dealing with the same issues, the same fears. It helps knowing I’m not alone.
Suck, Suck, Suck, Suck. I caught up on your blog today hoping, nay, expecting good news. Suck.
NO, this shouldn’t be this hard. And if it is, there should be a good reason; not two perfect embryos and none take. That is NOT the right answer.
I’m really sorry and a feel your pain. I can’t even put into words how badly this sucks.
Sigh.
I’m glad the boy is coming home soon.